Dookie on white.

5 Feb

I have the best car in the world. She is a 2000 Rav 4, and her name is Tammy Stormtrooper because she looks like the helmet of a stormtrooper. My friends and family all know who Tammy is, and understand that when I say something like “we are on our way to pick you up”, I’m referring to Tammy and me. Weird? Whatever.

A couple of weeks ago I noticed a lot of birds in the wax myrtle in my backyard eating the dark purple berries. Birds all over the fucking place. I tried to get closer to the tree/bush to check it out,  but got spooked by all the chirping  and fluttering…I’m not trying to confront any tricky ass,  Hitchcock style, maniac birds – no ma’am.

I went back inside my house and locked the door.

A couple of hours later, as I’m walking out of my front door to go pick up a friend to see a movie, I notice Tammy is COVERED in purple bird shit. Not just a couple of poops on Tammy’s hood and doors, but a Pollock-style shit smattering all over…thick and purple…crusty yet slimy…on the door handle. Nasty.

Ms. Kim (my favorite neighbor) and some other woman are outside and see my reaction.

Ms Kim: “Ooooh, those birds got to your car!”

Ms. Kim’s friend: “I know that’s right. Those birds must like to dookie on white.”

(Tammy Stormtrooper is white…so I’m assuming this remark was not racially based…if it was…I give Ms. Kim’s friend props. Touche.)

Me: “I don’t think I can even get in…there is poop everywhere. Nasty birds.”

Ms. Kim’s friend: “Bird dookie’s good luck.”

Good luck? I don’t think so. All that bird shit got me was disgusted looks of astonishment by pedestrians and TWO trips through the Autoriffic laserwash.


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