Learning to fall.

17 Apr

Bear with me here…I’m on night four of some crazy nocturnal tummy/digestive bug, which wakes me up about every hour or so to go to the bathroom…so this post may be the result of lack of sleep leading to cheesiness, or being overly reflective.


At Full Frame I saw this amazing documentary called “In the Garden of Sounds” about this blind guy that uses music/sound to help kids living with disabilities ranging from Autism to Cerebral Palsy (CP). One of the kids he’s working with is a girl with CP, and at their first meeting she will only try to walk a few steps because she is terrified of falling. The first thing Wolfgang, the blind guy, teaches her is how to fall. He teaches her to put her arms in front of her when she falls forward, so she won’t slam her face into the ground. He helps her develop a technique for falling backward so she can’t hurt her back. Once she knows she can fall and be okay, her life starts to change. Over months she begins to walk longer distances,  learns how to speak more clearly, and by the end of the doc she is going to school with friends, riding the train by herself and running laps (CP style) in her gym class.

So…here is what this movie made me think about…

In my twenties I feel like I learned a lot about myself, who I am, how to take risks, and what I’m good at. Mostly I tried to “be cool”, make everyone like me and not cause any problems that could lead to confrontation.  I wanted to keep things easy, breezy, beautiful.

Now that I’m in my thirties, I feel like I’m learning how to fall. The past couple of years have been a little rough with my dear friend dieing and my developing diabetes and dealing with all the other bullshit side effects (e.g. nocturnal tummy bug I think is related to my new meds). I’ve also had to, on occasion, take a stand about something I feel strongly about and inevitably piss someone off…and then feel like a big piece of shit about it, but still, somehow, make myself feel okay about it. Most of my friends have also dealt with some heavy life stuff too. We are all just learning to fall I think. The more heavy shit happens, the better we learn to deal with it, find that fucking silver lining, and keep moving forward. We learn how to fall, extend our arms and save our faces from smashing into the ground.

Don’t worry, my next post will be more humorous. I’ll blog the Mexican tranny that lives down the street from me or the kid that farted real loud during my resume presentation at work, and then said “My bad.”


Wire, possum, squirrel.

23 Mar

I’m in love with all the boys in this band…and I can’t stop watching these videos.

Also…I found a dead possum in my outdoor trashcan yesterday. I thought he was asleep…but he is dead.

Finally, I have acquired a slight fear of squirrels. The squirrels in my neighborhood are indignant and like to scream at people…especially me. Where I work we have TONS of squirrels. One of them has no fur on  his tail…so he looks like a pretty rat…I find him especially scary.


Siouxsie Sioux + White Lion

16 Mar

When I was in the fourth grade I choreographed a little number to White Lion’s “When the Children Cry” in my basement using a small trampoline, pool table, and mo-hawk wig. It was very moving. I actually tried to make myself cry as I danced for an added dramatic effect.

A couple of days ago, craving some Siouxsie and Banshees, I found this video:

I don’t know who this girl is, but back in the day we would have been best friends. Clogging to “Kiss Them For Me”? BRILLIANT! I can imagine us making costumes, evaluating dance moves (I would have added more titty shakes to her particular piece), and then after a long hard day of art and dance, grilling out on that big ass grill in her creepy looking back yard.

Bowl cut.

13 Mar

So…it is a few hours later, and I’m coming out of the shame spiral. Thankfully. Some friends came over and we talked some shit…which always makes me feel better, and then later one of my uppity cracker neighbors actually waved and smiled at me…maybe they aren’t so bad.

Things that made me feel better today:

1. Shit talkin’ with friends on my front porch. Ahhh sweet relief.

2. Raking leaves, picking weeds and planting things. I even went to buy a nice pot for this really cool tropical plant my friend Julie gave me, and the Home Depot was full of gays. How can you tell when someone is checking you out or just keeps looking at you because you are looking at him? What signs should I be looking for? Jeez I’m so bad at this.

3. I saw a fifty something year old man with a bowl cut and a hateful face. Hilarious.









4. It feels like spring.

5. Chubby’s Tacos lunch. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! While sitting outside a nice dressed crazy man with a back pack sang Van Halen (“Jump“) and said hateful things about people that didn’t respond to him as they walked by.

6. Looking at pretty things and places on my favorite blog.

I guess I’m “un-spiraled”. Thanks for seeing me through this.

Jesus and other co-pilots.

13 Mar

Have you ever had a “shame spiral”, when you think you have instantly become a loser, and all you do is find further life evidence (as whack as it may be) to bolster this idea? Have you ever had one of those weeks (or years) when you just feel “off” or “out of the loop”? This weekend I was sucker punched with BOTH of these!

These three things really rattled me…for some unknown reason (remember, I’m in the midst of a shame spiral):

1. Neighbors – I think my neighbors hate me. For reals. Not the poor black neighbors, they are super nice, but the white, liberal do-good’ers. I waved and said “hello neighbors” twice this weekend and was totally ignored. I then was driving through my neighborhood and waved at two other neighbors and one waved back (with this confused, almost irritated, look on his face) and the other straight up ignored me. Now, why do these uppity crackers hate me? Maybe because I don’t participate often in the neighborhood activities (e.g. building a new park for the kids, painting a house) – but they always plan this shit in the summer. I’m fat. I sweat a lot. Those two things don’t mix. I did march with them in the gay pride parade (it was overcast and cool outside). They must think I’m a loser and want nothing to do with me. Haters.

2. Spring Forward – I have never missed a “fall back” or “spring forward” hour in my life. Until today. I was watching my favorite show, CBS Sunday Morning Show, thinking it was 9:15AM and then realized it was 10:15AM…whaaaaat! I settle in for 90 minutes of senior-style programming, and BOOM!, all of a sudden it is time for the “nature moment”. How did I miss this? I never miss this? This must be further evidence I have suddenly become a loser.

3. Jesus – I have this friend from high school, and we occasionally touch base via email to check-in. This weekend he emailed and mentioned how well his daughters and wife were doing and then added “and Jesus is my co-pilot :-)”. Some who? I don’t get it. I know over the past few years he has been inching toward the religious tip, and that is cool, but this statement caught me off guard. Was he questioning my co-pilot? Sure, my current co-pilot may be a $5 bottle of chardonnay, but that is probably just temporary. Can he sense this? Is he calling me out? This is obviously further evidence I have suddenly become a loser. Oh, and what did he mean by :-)…I hate emoticons…what do they really mean anyway.

My next post will be after my shame spiral has passed…oh God I hope it passes soon.

Life rules.

5 Feb

My carpool buddy, Nicole, and I have developed some life rules. We always forget them, so I thought I’d post them and update them as needed.

1. Don’t be an asshole. This includes straight-up in your face assholes, passive aggressive assholes, shit-talking scheming assholes, etc.

2. Never come with problems. Always come with solutions. My first real boss told me this, and it is the best advice I ever got.

3. Always hustle. I can’t take some lazy ass whiner complaining about how tough life is…to get what you want you need to hustle.

4. Keep it cool. Every workplace is littered with horrible managers, gossipy coworkers, etc. It is fine to daydream about the destruction of their professional and personal lives, but when in meetings or in public, always keep it cool. Keep it professional.

5. Talk like an actor. My acting teacher in college used to always say this…when acting in a scene he could tell when we were trying too hard or not being authentic. No one likes posers or rhyme biters. Speak in your own voice.


Dookie on white.

5 Feb

I have the best car in the world. She is a 2000 Rav 4, and her name is Tammy Stormtrooper because she looks like the helmet of a stormtrooper. My friends and family all know who Tammy is, and understand that when I say something like “we are on our way to pick you up”, I’m referring to Tammy and me. Weird? Whatever.

A couple of weeks ago I noticed a lot of birds in the wax myrtle in my backyard eating the dark purple berries. Birds all over the fucking place. I tried to get closer to the tree/bush to check it out,  but got spooked by all the chirping  and fluttering…I’m not trying to confront any tricky ass,  Hitchcock style, maniac birds – no ma’am.

I went back inside my house and locked the door.

A couple of hours later, as I’m walking out of my front door to go pick up a friend to see a movie, I notice Tammy is COVERED in purple bird shit. Not just a couple of poops on Tammy’s hood and doors, but a Pollock-style shit smattering all over…thick and purple…crusty yet slimy…on the door handle. Nasty.

Ms. Kim (my favorite neighbor) and some other woman are outside and see my reaction.

Ms Kim: “Ooooh, those birds got to your car!”

Ms. Kim’s friend: “I know that’s right. Those birds must like to dookie on white.”

(Tammy Stormtrooper is white…so I’m assuming this remark was not racially based…if it was…I give Ms. Kim’s friend props. Touche.)

Me: “I don’t think I can even get in…there is poop everywhere. Nasty birds.”

Ms. Kim’s friend: “Bird dookie’s good luck.”

Good luck? I don’t think so. All that bird shit got me was disgusted looks of astonishment by pedestrians and TWO trips through the Autoriffic laserwash.